dreams of a sunburnt ass

i spent a portion of today talking to my friend ricky (the resident whiz kid of mergers and acquisitions) about his trip the "cottage." now, ricky's a good friend of mine, i like him, we hang out, but the more i heard about the "amazing cottage, Julie's sweet rack, Jill's (Julie's younger, hotter identical twin) sweet(er) rack, and the incredible 75 custom maxi cruising yacht," the more i wanted to hoof-kick in his pretty boy face!
doesn't he know how hard it is for t-shirt wearing, investment banking centaur to get dates with identical twins? i've worked at Untimely Withdrawl Investments Bank for thriteen years and i've never been invited to stay at the "cottage." pretentious mother fuckers! what cottage has three floors, 50 rooms, 25 full bathrooms, an indoor pool, and several coke troughs for your snorting convenience?! fucks! i've never been out on the boat. i bring in tons of dough! i'm a client pleaser, a favorite even! hell, i even let the cfo of a major japanese corporation ride me around his office! i want what's comming to me!
you know what it is? the precious old boys club doesn't want an ole smelly t-shrited centaur hoofin' around the dump; wouldn't want mr.quadraped precipitating the depreciation of UWIB's fancy cottage. sure, the centaur's good enough to trot around for the curious but not good enough to set up with some big dollar corporate prostitutes! "you're too big" they say, "it's creepy" they say, well, you don't think i dream of having a nice human skinned ass? oh, i'd love to get sunburned on my legs and ass but i can't! i have a horses body! why can't people just accept me for who i am! although, don't get me wrong, i love my wang. it is truly a magnificient wang, but still...the biggest wang in the land isn't gonna make the ladies anymore comfortable with the tail. what's tshirted centaur to do? seriously, i have needs! i'm tired of jerking off to freaky friday and herby the love bug reloaded. plus, do you know how hard it is for a centaur to jerk off? do yoou know how flexible i have to be?

blah. nobody cares about the trials and tribulations of an old mytholgoical creature anymore - unless you're a fucking unicorn! then everybody's all fucking excited; from the ironic lovers of unicorns to the sincere (read: creepy) lovers of unicorns. put a man's body on a horse, you've got an undesirable investment banker but put a fucking horn on a regualr godamn horse and you've created a universally loved symbol. i fucking hate unicorns (in the sincerest possible way). Bunch of fucking racists, you never see a black unicorn do you? i wonder if i'd get more respect if my backside was white? could it be they just don't like a latino half-man attached to a black/brown horse? if i were a latino half-man attached to a white horse would i get more respect? who knows? i'll tell you one thing for sure, if i was a white half-man attached to a white horse with a white horn attached to my forehead, i'd be up at that fucking cottage guaranteed. fucking racist speciesist bastards.

in other news, i just heard that hilary swank is single. sweet. i've had a crush on her evers since i met her on the set of the power rangers (i had a bit role as scientist #1). i was saddened to hear about her ex's substance abuse problem; get better chad! you can do it buddy!
i've also heard that eating a loaf of zucchine bread a day can reduce the visible sings of ageing up to 90%! wow! so get out there and buy up as much zucchinni as you can folks!
anyway, i'd better get back to work. these mergers aren't going to conduct themselves.
t-shirted centaur