I love kids (they're delicious)

So i'm at one of these fancy chain grocery stores - xiosong's store was hit by a meteorite and is closed temporarily - trying to find some 1000 yr old duck eggs when some little kid starts following me around. well, ok, i was following this kid's mom around the store trying desperately to think of something to say, when he noticed me and started making faces at me.

granted, i'm 601 but that doesn't mean i'm gonna be this 6 year old's bitch! i'm like a hundred times older than him, show some mother fucking respect (probably not the best turn of phrase given my intentions). full of the anger and rage that defined the bulk of my ancestors, i devised a fiendishly clever plan ... well, actually, i turned to my copy of '36 strategies' and got to studying. after about 15 minutes of studying this wonderful chinese text, i found my battle plan: deceive teh sky to cross the ocean.

"Moving about in the darkness and shadows, occupying isolated places, or hiding behind screens will only attract suspicious attention. To lower an enemy's guard you must act in the open and hide your true intentions under the guise of common every day activities."

Perfect! i was already doing an everyday activity - i was pretending to drop huge bags of kitty litter onto the ground so i could relieve myself - but soon decided that this particular everyday activity may be a bit, hmm, high profile. so, i decided to start picking up large cans of pasta sauce and made a show of inspecting their ingredients - this would buy me time.

deceive the sky to cross the ocean was working like a prayer(it made me feel better but didn't get me any closer to attaining my objective - the complete and utter destruction of that upstart punk), so i decided to once more consult 36 strategies. after an additional 15 minutes, and a brief but intense exchange with the guy sweeping up the cat litter aisle, i found the perfect stratagem: plum tree sacrifices for the peach tree. it was brilliant, it was subtle, it was crafty, it was everything i could have asked for in regards to an ancient chinese combat strategy that would guarantee a 1,000lb, 601 year old, investment banking, 1,000 year old duck egg searching, t-shirt wearing centaur victory over a 6 year old child. after consulting the book one more time, weighing my options, wiping my ass with a cosmo, and taking into account all of the variables, i devised a plan so tortuous it made quantum physics look like child play. all my planning, all of my sacrifices came down to this moment. it was time.

i approached gingerly, clip cloping nonchalantly so as not to arouse suspicion, and as i was reading the ingredients on what can only be described as a crime against humanity in a can (legal issues preclude me from revealing both the brand name and product), i launched my military masterpiece into action: i threw the can at the kid's head and ran like a mother fucker.