fucking roomates

I've been forced out of my place due to the enforcement of some obscure and archaic law - something about shitting in freight elevators; i'm not really sure what they were talking about. i've spent the last couple of days looking for an apartment and, i'm happy to report, i just recently found a great loft apartment! it's beautiful, it's in a great part of the city, it's huge, and it's cheap. unfortunately, it's also haunted.

There i was, enjoying my new shower - i really was. my place used to be a slaughter house, so my shower is actually a huge hose that swings over the entire expanse of the killing floor, a.k.a. my shower. it's like a shower made just for a 1000lb, 601 yr old, too-mother-fucking-big-to-fit-in-even-the-kirstie-alleyiest-of-showers, t-shirt wearing centaur - when i heard the sound of dishes crashing. i wrapped a towel around my waist (i don't know why i do this) and went to investigate.

i clip-clop over to the kitchen, dripping water everywhere, and am hard pressed to find any strange happenings a transpiring. I'm about to return to the shower, as i'm confident that my spiderman fine china is safely confined to my cupboards, when it appears: an apparition. now, as a 601 year old centaur, it's safe to say that i've seen my fair share of craziness, but this, a ghost in my own lair, was a first. What does one do in such a situation? Me? i popped an erection of the greatest magnitude ever seen on this blue/green earth. was she a ghost? yes. was i afraid? yes. did she have the unholiest of massive ghostly racks? yes! there she was, in my very home, a big tited ghost. honestly, i was torn. not wanting to be rude, i decide initiate a dialogue.

TSC - hi, can i help you?

BTG - ooohhhhoooo! leave this place.

TSC - you must be joking! i love this place. i've already moved in my straw pile; i'm here to stay sister.

BTG - ooohhh... ah, fuck it. fine, whatever, i don't even care anymore.

TSC - oh, hey, look, come on now! what's the matter?

BTG - you wouldn't understand. look at you, all proud with your four horse legs and magnificent latino half body. you don't know what it's like to be... ah, forget it.

TSC - hey, hey, hey, being a t-shirted centaur in the big city is not all it's cracked up to be. i know what's it like to be ostracized, to be alienated, to take a dump in teh park. i know what it's like to be an outsider.

BTG - an outsider? what the hell are you talking about? I'm a big titted ghost! all i want to do is scare someone senseless, maybe to death, maybe even cause chronic incontinence. do you know what i get? guys masturbating. no matter where i go, what i do, these guys can't get over the fact that i've got a huge rack! i pulled my face off once, the guy didn't notice! he just kept pumping away, it was embarrassing - for him, not me. as a ghost, i'm *sob* a failure.

TSC - hey, hey... you're not a failure [making a concerted effort to not stare at that unearthly rack] we're, they're the failures. if they can't see how scary you are, that's their problem. look at this mess [gesturing to the wet floor] i wet myself when i saw you. you're frightening!

BTG - nice try centaur. first, your hair is wet - you obviously just got out of the shower - and that towel around your waist does nothing to hide the fact that you've got a massive horse cock erection. why the hell are you wearing a towel?

TSC - yeah, i don't know. it's convention, i guess. i don't know. fine. look, you've got crazy huge ghost guns, it happens, but you can't let that one insignificant fact ruin your entire afterlife! get over it, work with it, work around it, i don't know. do anything but mope around and half-ass haunt. come on! you've got so much to offer the nether world.

BTG - thanks centaur. you're ok i guess, but if i catch you jerking off to me, i'm gonna make sure you wake up in a pool of blood. I’ll make ‘the shinning’ look like ‘rv’ if you catch my drift.

TSC - you mean, you're gonna stay here?

BTG - well, yeah.

TSC – sweet ... so, i can still jerk off to other things right?

BTG - as long as it's not me, i don't care.

TSC – sweet ... can you read thoughts?

BTG - no.

TSC - sweet.







* yes, i'm very ashamed of this post. however, as is my custom, i post what comes to me regardless of how inappropriate, cheesy, and down right devoid of artistic merit it may be.