don't judge me. i judge you.

What a weird day. I’m trotting home from work when I hear someone calling out to some guy named Dan. Now, I don’t know why, but I look towards the source of the call and answer “yeah?” Next thing I know, I’m talking to the exemplar of physical female human beauty. What’s a 600 year old, t-shirt wearing, investment banking centaur to do?

Girl – uh, I didn’t know you were a … horse-man?

Me – centaur, actually; a horseman would be a guy riding a horse or, possibly, a guy visiting plagues and death upon humanity along with three of his buddies.

Girl –oh. So, uh, you didn’t mention this on your profile.

Me – oh, really? Did you mention that you like to wear … what kind of shoes are those?

Girl – milano blahniks

Me - …milano blahniks?

Girl – what does that matter?

Me – exactly! By the way, what did I talk about in my profile?

Girl – well, you said you were a doctor, you like foreign films, you’re athletic, and you liked kids. We’ve been talking for a month.

Me – sure, sure. See, I talk to a lot of people in the course of a day so it all gets kind of muddled. But I remember now. I believe I actually said I was a doctor who fan, which explains the foreign film thing, and I love kids. They’re delicious!

I’m actually an investment banker.

Girl – [skeptical] investment banker?

Me – yeah, basically, I tell billionaires and corporations what to do with their money.

Girl – [ relieved/pleased] oh, that sounds cool.

Me – yeah, I make a butt load of money Mandy.

Girl – Jen.

Me – yeah, Jen, of course, of course. Mandy’s my…secre…personal assistant.

Girl – oooo! That sounds exciting.

Me – I’m not going to lie Sherry, it is fucking fantastic to be me.

Girl – Jen.

Me – right. Listen, what do you do?

Girl –I’m an accountant and aspiring model.

Me – that sounds cool. Do anything I might have seen?

Girl – I worked at Balancing the Books as a junior accountant and was in their tv commericial. I…

Me – cool, cool, what’s that like a juggling troupe for nerds?

Girl – uh, no. it’s an accounting firm specializing in commercial tax problems. I was there as a junior accountant.

Me – right, right, very good. Good for you Jessica.

Girl – Jen. Where’s your car?

Me – hah! Where’s my car? Very proletariat. You’re adorable babe. Don’t change Chrissy.

Girl – Jen

Me – what?

Girl – Jen.

Me – well, it’s a bit early for a drink, but ok. You got a flask or something?

Girl - ? Jen, not gin, Jen. that’s my name.

Me – right. Listen kid, cars are for the poor and the déclassé. Haven’t you heard that all the big players are eco-friendly and socially conscious now?

Girl – really?

Me – you poor kid. Probably have to work 90hr weeks just to stay afloat eh? Listen, I’ll put you in the know. See, my ex-girlfriend and her new husband just had their baby in Africa and kicked off an unprecedented wave of celebrity interest in social causes.

Girl – your ex? Really?

Me – susan, are getting any of what I’m telling you?

Girl – Jen.

Me – one track mind, eh? listen, you go ahead, but seriously, it's a bit early for me. The point, Belinda, is that if we get into a car, even a limo, I’m gonna be burning up all sorts of social capital. Do you wanna juggle books for the rest of your life or are you gonna let me take you to the top of the social ladder?

Girl – no, I, uh, I don’t juggle, I mean, uh, what? Yes. Yes! Ok, let’s go. Uh, where are we going?

Me – yikes. Kelly, seriously, we’re gonna have to work on you third eye. You’re killing me, but you’re adorable. Listen, there’s this little Chinese grocery store with an outdoor fruit and vegetable kiosk. So, we’ll pick up some apples and condoms on the way to the loft.

Girl – is that a club? wait a minute, condo...

Me – club? Do you grow potatoes? Are you wearing coveralls under that dress? Listen, if you want to some club and let some twenty something kid cream himself while he’s dry humping you on the dance floor, go ahead, ok. Seriously. Where do you want to go? A monster truck rally? A bottle eating competition? Come on girl! Listen, anyone who’s anyone knows that hanging out at your loft is where it’s at right now. God, you probably think celibacy is in. do you think celibacy is in?

Girl – oh, no. no, of course not.

Me – well, maybe there’s hope for you yet.