one man's ass is another man's pet horse

Arghhh! It’s unbelievable! Fucking unbelievable! Check this out, and then smack the cashier, ‘cause the following tale will most assuredly blow his mind.

I’m squatting behind a cluster of bushes that is flanked by two beautiful and aged oak trees in ******* park (a well worn park in the heart of my fair city) when a good looking middle aged guy locks eyes with me. He tilts his head as if to say “huh,” then scans to the left and spies my rear end performing its noble duties at the other end of my impromptu flora commode. Then, and this is the hilarious part, he says, “I hope you’ve got a plastic bag with which you will pick up your friend's, how do we say, substantial contribution to our park.” Embarrassed and slightly ashamed of myself, I respond with a humble and measured “unless you wanna be pulling shit tinged horse tail hairs out of your mouth for the rest of the day, you’d better quit staring at my asshole. Nosy fuck!” Inexplicably, he gets all offended and storms off in a huff muttering something about “fucking pet owners” and hunting down a park official. Confused and slightly dismayed, I finish my business, locate a nice patch of lichens to rub my hind quarters on, and resume my lovely walk through the park.

I really love walking through the park. See, I guess I feel closer to the flora and fauna of the park then to my mortal friends and business associates. No one here, judges me, tries to hop on my back, sneaks a peak at my package as I walk by. On the other hand, no one offers me apples, tries to brush me, or sneak a peak at my package as I walk by. The long and the short of it is that I feel at peace here. So, there I am, soaking it all in, listening the ‘clip, clop’ of my feet as stroll leisurely through one of the most beautiful areas this city has to offer when I hear the whir of a four-wheeler. I turn my torso and, sure enough, I spy an eager and over zealous park ranger speeding toward me.

“Hey!” he shouts as he skids to halt inches from my posterior. I know I’m in for some trouble. He’s about 6’, 120 lbs, and so young that I bet he still masturbates to the sears catalogue. He’s so excited about this confrontation that every atom in his body is exploding and the resulting emanations create, what I like to call, a douchebag aura that is actually quite lovely. Unfortunately, being in the presence of a douchebag aura is a mixed blessing. It’s kind of like watching someone dumping slag: while the resulting show can be described as strangely beautiful and enchantingly eerie, it’s still just a bunch of assholes dumping molten poison into the earth; and, just like a molten stew of mercury, lead, and high end steel, excessive levels of douchery are a major source of environmental devastation.

Park ranger – I’ve received a complaint about a man letting his pet horse defecate behind some bushes while he stood guard. What do you know about that?

Me- well, first, was the man standing guard, or was the horse standing guard while he defecated?

PR – no the man wasn't defecating, the horse was defecating

me - while he was standing guard?

Pr- no, the man was standing guard while his horse hide behind some bushes and defecated.

Me – oh. Well in that case, I don’t know anything about that. I did see a man defecating while a horse stood guard, but that’s it.

PR – hmm. Possibly a second infraction… wait a minute! What about you?

Me- well, I like jumping over things, I’m an investment banker, I enjoy rosemary and tyme – the tv show, not the spices, I …

Pr- you know what I mean! You’re him, them, the shitter.

Me- whoa, whoa, whoa! First, I’m a centaur, a man-horse, NOT a man AND a horse. Second, how dare you accuse me of shitting in the woods. I’m not an animal.

PR – you just said you were a horse.

ME- wha…! I’m a man-horse you idiot! Is that badge made of chocolate?

Pr- it’s not chocolate [note: he looked kind of nervous when he said that. I’m just saying.]

Me- well, then you are a disgrace to that delicious looking badge. Are you even a real ranger? Did you let go of the rope or something? should i be looking for your teacher?

Pr – hey, you’d better treat me with the respect this uniform deserves.

Me- I can’t, I already took a shit.

Pr – huh? Hey, you’re him! The shitter!

Me – listen, i’m going to break this down into an argument so simple, that even a Velcro-shoe wearing simpleton, such as yourself, could understand it.

a) you are looking for a man and a horse

b) I am a man-horse

c) Therefore, I am not who you are looking for.

It’s that simple deputy Doolittle. Get on your tricycle and get away from me before I call the real police.

Pr- listen, this is my jurisdiction and it’s an all-terrain vehicle.

Me- can you drive it in the snow?

PR- no.

Me- then I guess it’s a virtually all-terrain vehicle.

Pr-what? Don’t confuse me! Give me some i.d.

Me- my id? As in my primal desires. I don’t think you wanna see that.

PR – what?

Me – my id, my pleasure principle, come on man! make this interesting,

Pr – who are you?

Me- well, I’m 600 year old, investment banking, t-shirt wearing centaur who’s about ten seconds away from calling the cops and his lawyer on his very expensive cell phone [note: I don’t own a cellphone. They kind of creep me out]

Pr-all right, I guess you can go. But if you see the shitter you call me on your fancy cell phone

Me- what if I just see the guy?

Pr- then call me

Me-but I didn’t see them, so I don’t know what the guy looks like

Pr- arghh! Listen, if you see a man and a horse then you call me

Me- check. Keep up the good work, sergeant shitter.

I can’t lie to you, I derived a great deal of satisfaction as I watched constable colon walk away dejected and thouroughly defeated. however, i also felt a bit guilty, but then i remembered that he kinda of looked like a speciesist. FUCK speciesists.

after all the excitment, i trotted over to the empty ranger stations - lieutenant loose stoole was on the prowl for the shitters - and miterated upon it. then, just i was succumbing to the hypnotic sounds of my clip cloping, i spotted anna nicole smith fucking some homeless guy behind a gelato stand! can you believe it? the park added a gelato stand!

I hoofed it over there and ordered a bachio before i realized they had pistachio. PISTACHIO! i couldn't believe it, but it was too late as i had already ordered bacio. oh well, there's always tomorrow.