father centaur

i wrote some cautionary rhymes for young children.

Shelly used to show her belly
a wolf peeped her display
and, on the assumption she was filled with jelly
devoured her that very day

Halifa used to pick his nose
one fateful day, while knuckle deep
he missed the sawing off of his toes
by a saw wielding creep

there will be nary a belly nor booger in sight from now till the reckoning. you gotta love kids.

He-Man Alternate Theme Song

because it's the smart thing to do

'cause this is hip hop

if you thought you knew descartes...

http://www.collegehumor.com/update:1707417

fuck apples.

fuck apples. That's right, fuck apples!

"What'd apples ever do to you ma...man(?)...man-horse...guy?"

Apples killed my father, that's what! No, apples didn't kill my father. Hercules killed my father but a snake made eve take an apple; snakes are Hera's domain; Hera hated Hercules; baby Hercules killed two would-be assassin snakes and adolescent Hercules lost his virginity in an apple orchard. Apples orchestrated and underage deflowering! So, I reiterate, fuck apples!
Look, that sounds harsh, I know, but don't fall for the spin - That's exactly what the apple commission wants you do! Apples aren't all love and rainbows. Apples are lazy, duplicitious, and above all ungrateful little bastards. Oh, and they are a cocky breed, especially those "red delicious" bitches. red delicious? why not just name yourselves "all the other red apples are ass"?

fuck apples.

Old Spice Commercial ft Bruce Campbell

this makes it all worth it.

New York Subway Hero

you wake up with a raging headache, the shakes, and the sneaky suspicion that someone druged you and just when you've lost all hope in humanity, you watch this video. wow.

It's Fun to Help Poor People, Franny Canada

if you don't like breakdancing, you're a terrible person

Pirates and Emporers

say what you will, it's catchy as fuck. .

nub love

wow, one day i'll learn to track time mortal style but, for now, i remain incapable of navigating your mortal currents. i feel clumsy and awkward in your spaces and am hopelessly out of synch with your schedules. why are you all so commited to this "daytime/nighttime" dyad? come on kids, develop a sleep substitue pill already!

sheesh! i'm sorry, i'm just a bit grumpy. i've recently signed on with Alexandro Constantinez-Cabral-Nuevos-O'Malley - the famous Irish bongo player - and he's been ruthless with his criticism. i mean, he keeps saying " put your hips into it. your hips will find the rythm" but my hips are built differently! everytime i put my hips into it, my tail starts swaying to a completely different, and unheard, rythm. if i really want my bongo career to take off, i might... oh zeus! i feel sick even saying it. i... i might have to get a ... tailectomy!

what would my mother say? she'd be appalled, for sure, but even more than that, she'd be ashamed. i mean, i remember when ol' Aggs (Agamemnon Crete, not the other one) got his t.e. we all laughed and called him nubs. then we started the 'snub nubs' campain. wow, it's sad what a bunch of teenage centaurs can do. you can't blame us, we were so young then; barely 200. wow, were we ever so young and naive?

even the elders ragged on Aggs. all that talk about how t.e.'ers are rejecting their centaurness and how the t.e. symbolizes all sorts of internalized anti-centite beliefs. some said he did it because he contracted a rare form of tail mange. i don't know if that's the case and i don't pretend to know how he felt when we burned him in effigy... well, he probably felt hot.

see, well, Onny (Onan Onapopapoplopapopalopalus) was susposed bring the effigy and he shows up empty and sticky handed - no fucking effigy. well, we had lighter fluid and matches, not to mention the fact that people were reallly looking forward to that effigy burining, so we doused a blanket, lit it, and threw it on poor ol aggy. sure, he bolted and we managed to do nothing more than singe his coat but, wow, the pain lingers.

well, ol aggy fled the city and i heard he hooked up with a mare out in the country and had a slew of little ones. now, here i am, contemplating the very same act of self mutilation that we condemned poor aggy for commiting. weird. life is weird. anyhow, if any of you see old aggy, please tell him that i'm sorry for my part in teh whole 'snub the nub' campain.

Ketchup, catsup, or catch up?

hello, my bipedal friends! wow, it's been so long! look at your hair! it looks great! have you lost weight? is it the pilates? really? no, i didn't realize there were whole body kegel excercises. really? wow, that's really... please, stop. that's gross. but, look at this! oh - my - god! i've never seen a tatoo of a topless lizard woman riding a t-rex with an erection before. well, i've never seen one placed there before. the thing about big breasted lizard women is, well, breasts are mamary glands, they're for nursing offspring and are characteristic of mamals and marsupials, so, well, a lizard woman would have little to no use for such {ahem} ample breasts. just a thought. but the colours are amazing!

what? oh, well, you know the old chestnut: a 401 year old, 1000lb, former investment banking, t-shirt wearing, feynman clone and big titted ghost cohabitating, anxiety suffering centaur has a quarter life crises and decides to devote his life to the world wide bongo circuit only to discover that he's stinking up the scene. i mean, i don't want to be an investment banker anymore but i'm no good at bongo playing! i feel like i'm all out of options. i mean, what's left?

i don't want to talk about that, i'd rather talk about you. what have you been doing? oh. oh! oh, well, they say time heals all wounds...no, well, yeah, i guess you're right. time definetly does not cure cancer. you don't have cancer do you? see, so the time... well, i guess. you're right, time wouldn't heal an inverted penis. again, do you have an invert... i see. are you sure you're not talking about a vagina? i see. no, i wouldn't like to see... i'm speaking figuratively. well, yes we are talking about your figure... no...please put your pants back on ... look i don't want to... wow! that is most definetly an inverted penis. how do you like that? no, that what figurative speech again. yeah, we covered that. on the plus side, you'll never loose a chapstick again.

anyway, i guess i should be on my way. don't despair, i've just acquired a real internet connection so i'm planning on staying in touch. cool. great. yes. yeah. ok. look, i've really got to get going, i've got a hoof cleaning. i will. right. ciao.