Give the Love Fuck a Chance

- Zeus picking up




Blah! Blah, blah, bin Blahblah blala. That's where I'm at today. I finally bit the bullet and asked one of my co-workers out on a date. she turned me down flat. i couldn't beleive it. i was stunned, as we had been getting along so famously, and must have looked perplexed because she offered an explanation: "it's just that, well, you see, i don't date 600 year old, t-shirt wearing, investment banking centaurs." wow. in this day and age.

Unfuckingbelievable! Zeus, the king of mother fucking (often literally) gods, would assume the form of a goddamn goat and the hottest mortal women in attic greece would flock to him. But, this, this speciesist, won't date an incredibly handsome centaur with an immaculately pressed t-shirt. What the fuck? whatever happened to "t-shirted centaur, you're my best friend. there's no one i'd rather talk to"? Huh? I've given her rides home (on my back!), I've counselled her in times of grief, I've made her laugh, i've given her the support and understanding required to keep any psychologically complex being afloat in this unduly harsh realm and she has the audacity to reject me on the grounds that i've got four horse legs! Oh, there must be a centaur hating god in office 'cause this is FCUKING RIDICULOUS!


Come on! What kind of world is this were your professed best friend isn't good enough to be your "soulmate" by virtue of his enormous horse penis and cloven hooves? She says she's not into fur - technically it's hair! look, i don't know a lot of people that are into paraplegics but what kind of sick, superficial, sad excuse of a sentient creature would reject someone they've truly connected with simply becuase he or she can't use their legs? come on! i can't imagine this conversation: " look, i know i said you were my soulmate, but my i like my soulmate with two fully functional (mortal human) legs. so, i guess what i'm saying is, get the fuck out of my house and take that colostomy bag with you." Who the fuck would do that?! what the fuck? why are you fucking mortals blessed with the capacity to love when you're clearly unable to use it properly? is that your doing aphrodite? some sort of gag or is this the work of pan that rotund little fuck? lay off the deep dish you fucking pig.

Would sex be a bit different with me? yes. yes it would, but we'd make it work. you think i like fucking mortal women? Well I do, but it took some getting used to. Look, i'm not saying horse vagina is better, i'm just saying that it's much different than a mortal woman's vagina. But again, vaginas AREN'T the issue. The issue, my mortal friends, is that LOVE is SUPPOSED to be BLIND. That was supposed to be the beauty of internet dating, but now it's all about pictures, race, weight, height - fuck, don't forget to ask if they've got webbed feet or a third penis. Look mortals, find someone who'll respect the WHOLE you, the REAL you, AKA your MIND! arghhhh!

look, sex is great. i love sex and i understand the need/desire to fuck someone you're attracted to. fine, but your perception of the external world is mediated by your body and brain. the more you invest in someone, the more attractive they become to you.

fucking for fucking's sake is great but fucking for love and passion is better. And, if that's really not working for ya, then get into a polyamourous relationship. i remember this one time with a satyr and wood nymph... well, i guess that's a story for another day.
t-shirted centaur