Honorific's don't excuse ignorance

I'm at work and the old man's on a rampage so i've got to make this one short. normally, on a day like this, there's no way i'd risk getting caught blogging on my office computer but i had a run in with some street toughs today that has left me a bit shaken.

now, i know that i'm 1,000 lb centaur but that doesn't mean i can't feel vulnerable. People don't or can't seem to understand that. I woke up this morning feeling great. I spent last night eating pizza and watching the second season of arrested development which, for my hard earned investment banking money, is the best television show of all time - despite it's wanton lack of centaurs. suffice to say it was a raucus good time. so, when i woke up i was feeling great. the sun was shining, the air was crisp and clean, and i had visions of the bluths dancing in my head.

side bar: is it wrong to think maeby is hot? probably, i am approximately 583 yrs older than she is. of course, i'm also attracted to jessica walters and i'm still about 540yrs older than she is. of course, i'm also becoming attracted to tobias funke which is the development that's got me the most rattled - i think it's the blue skin.

anyway, i felt so great this morning that i decided to put on a new t-shirt! wow, was i in a good mood. i selected a brand spanking new sonic youth t-shirt (i'm ashamed to admit that it's not a concert t, but am proud to admit that it's an iron on of my own design). so there i am, taking the freight elevator down to the lobby of building, ipod blasting everything from hayden, cake, to the decemberists (i love these guys! although, for some strange reason i often refer to them as the decemberries. i don't know. i'm 600 yr old, 1000 lb, t-shirt wearing, investment banking centaur, it's bound to get a little weird in that brain of mine.). wow, was i feeling great.

i step out onto the street - well, back alley actually, my buildings management asks me to exit through the rear. something to do about hoof marks on the marble. i don't know - feeling like a million bucks. i get to the sidewalk, whcih is bustling, and start wondering if i've forgotten the rachael blake portfolio (not that rachael blake). i keep walking but turn my torso briefly to check my louis vuitton saddle bag to ensure that the portfolio is indeed there, when i accidentally brush up against someone. i immediately stop to apologize and ask if they're alright and i come face to face with Paris Hilton. wow. i'll admit, i dislike what i know of her. maybe she's a nice person but from what i've gathered through various forms of media i dislike her.

me - oh, my! i'm sorry ma'am! i should have been paying more attention to where i was walking.

paris hilton - you stupid...what the fuck are you?

me- oh, i'm a t-shirt wearing centaur.

paris hilton - gross. you got nag hair all over my purse. get him baby luv.

me - hey, look at you little kinkajou! shouldn't you be in a rainforest somewhere?

babyluv/alberto - holy shit! an honest to goodness t-shirt wearing centaur! my great-grand pa used to tell us stories about you fellas. nice to meet you. the name's alberto

me - nice to meet you. what's the deal here? you training her or something?

paris hilton - what the fuck are you talking about? listen, get your stanky nag ass away from me mr. ed.

alberto - sorry about that. this kid's not the brightest star in the sky but she's got an assload of money apparently. one day i fall asleep in the rainforest and the next thing i know this genius is trying to get me to sniff cocaine. i'm from south america for christ's sake! if i did want to do coke, i wouldn't do the stepped on shit she's getting. hell, from the looks of it, it was mostly ajax.

me - yikes. sorry to hear about that man. you could always bite her. they'd probably send you to some swanky zoo.

alberto - ughh! gag me! bite her?! you obviously don't know what i know.

me - dude. there are no human diseases that can affect you. you're on the lucky end of the cross-species resistance/transmission spectrum. you can give her all sorts of diseases and she can't give you squat!

alberto - seriously? i could kiss you bro! my great grand pa was right about you people - you're a sage and compassionate species.

me - thanks. i wish we could say the same about them [motioning to paris]

paris hilton - have you been sniffing the glue they made out of your mom? are you a fucknig lunatic horse of something?

alberto - my friend, allow me [bites paris]

paris hilton - OOOOWWWW!

alberto - [laughing] oh god! did that feel good! i don't care what happens, being confined to this knock off purse is a fate worse than death. a knock off! she's a fucking millionaire, you'd think she'd know the difference!

me - god speed friend. god speed.

alberto - thank you.

paris hilton - i've got to get to a doctor! bad baby luv. i'll call my publicist, he returns my calls. ughh, get the fuck out of the way stinky horse [pushing past me and walking into street]

alberto - think well of me, noble centaur!

me - [tearing up a bit] i will friend, i will

NOTE: centuars are fluent in every language. it's a thing we do.

another day, another heinous speciesist act. poor alberto. sure, she called me a nag, insulted my hygiene, insulted my mother, and called me mr. ed. but she had alberto abducted, renamed him babyluv, kept him in a bag, and tried to make him snort cocaine. i've been thinking about him all day and can only hope that if he's not returned to his homeland that he'll at least be sent to a zoo with a great enclosure and a hot kinkajoette.

Via con dios alberto, via con dios.