sleep is for the weak (i'm so tired)

Here it is, 0515, 5:15 a.m., or as i like to call it five fucking fifteen in the goddamn morning. Why the fuck am I still awake! Oh sweet Zeus, why can't I fall asleep! [undecipherable crying noises]. Sure, it takes a bit longer to say, but it's five o'clock in the morning and i don't have cable; i've got time. so, here I am, typing away trying to use my time creatively instead of laying on my straw pile/Serta mattress combo weeping softly to my self. Huh? Oh, the straw pile/Serta mattress thing. Well, being a 1000 lbs puts a lot of pressure on a mattress so my horse body lays down on the straw pile while my torso lies down on the Serta single mattress that I’ve laid down beside it. it ain't pretty but it works.

I was checking some videos out on youtube - I love you youtube. You make procrastination so much fun - when I noticed a disturbing trend. Whenever someone disapproves of a video they often levy the "this is the gayest video on youtube" charge against it. The gayest video? What does that mean? None of the videos slammed as being the "the gayest video on youtube" were the slightest bit gay. As a 1000lb, 600 year old, investment banking, t-shirted centaur, I know a thing or two about prejudice and how much it hurts. So, in an attempt to enlighten the homophobes skulking about the youtube universe, while simultaneously trying to help those who may not understand the homophobic implications of their usage, I thought I’d offer this mini-tutorial.

Let’s begin:

Gay or Not Gay?

1^st VIDEO

A pre-teen Belgian boy singing about his (probably fictional) girlfriend while dancing (poorly)

Gay or Not gay?

Sad and hilarious but not gay.

2^nd VIDEO

A guy blowing another guy while listening to Elton John.

Potentially gay

3^rd VIDEO

A 17 yr old Australian girl rapping in response to someone named "lazydork"

Mildly amusing, probably not gay (didn’t listen to all the lyrics)

4^th VIDEO

Your dad kissing your uncle

Gay. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
p.s. He's actually "uncle" Billy and don't worry, your mom's cool with it.

5^TH VIDEO

A young man filming his prowess with a golfclub/lightsaber for posterity

Ill-advised but not gay


I hope this helps. Mortal humans, please, I beg of you, be kind to one another. Don't let little things like sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, weight, height, or four horse legs define an individual or influence your opinion of them. Judge people by their actions, by their choices, not by their accidents*. Unless of course they're unicorns - fuck unicorns!

*in the philosophical sense, not in the "oops, i accidentally filmed myself having sex with your mom and left the tape in the vcr that i gave you for your birthday" sense. you can totally hate someone for that.